Author: Carey Larson

3 Skills to Overcome Betrayal Trauma, by Carey Larson
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3 Skills to Overcome Betrayal Trauma

3 Skills to Overcome Betrayal Trauma, by Carey Larson
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Did you freeze in disbelief in the moment of discovering your partner’s betrayal? If so, specific sounds, smells, images, or emotions may take you right back to that moment. The intensity of the event may seem to accompany you as you drift between past and present. Likewise, anxiety, anger, grief, and heartache keep your heart racing day and night. If life hasn’t felt the same, you may be living with betrayal trauma.

Betrayal trauma is the after-effect of a serious betrayal within a relationship. Symptoms are similar to PTSD and can be as debilitating too. So, how do you return to some sense of normalcy? Is there something you can do to help you restore a sense of peace and calmness within?

In this article, we’ll highlight three specific skills that may help you reclaim your life after betrayal trauma.

Life After Betrayal Trauma

It’s hard to say what life after betrayal trauma will look like. After all, the impact of such a devastating situation can affect everyone differently. However, there are some common symptoms that you may recognize.

For example, symptoms can include:

  • changes in appetite
  • weight gain or loss
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • difficulty concentrating
  • intense emotions
  • mood swings
  • irritability
  • feeling numb
  • triggers/flashbacks
  • sleeplessness
  • nightmares

Betrayal trauma can leave you feeling like your world has flipped upside-down. So, how do you begin to heal and find your new normal? The following skills may help you in your day-to-day efforts to feel a sense of normalcy.

3 Skills to Help You Work Towards Reclaiming Your Life After Betrayal Trauma

  • Mindfulness. Allow your thoughts and emotions to come and go freely without judgment. For example, if you feel angry, acknowledge your anger but don’t attach meaning to it. This skill can help you stay in the present moment. Likewise, allowing yourself to feel any emotions that arise can provide insight as you move toward healing.
  • Grounding. Betrayal trauma can lead to anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. As a result, you may experience moments that seem to leave you gasping for air. When fear or panic set in, grounding may help you regain control of your thoughts. Using your five senses, identify what you see, smell, touch, feel, and hear. As you do, begin to slow your breathing down. For example, as you take a deep breath in, identify what you feel beneath your feet. Are your feet on soft carpet or cold tile? Similarly, what do you smell or see? Continue this exercise until you regain a sense of calmness and control.
  • Positive Affirmations. Our thoughts can have so much power over how we feel and behave. Betrayal trauma can have a significant impact on how you view yourself and the world around you. Therefore, positive thinking can be a game-changer when it comes to healing after a betrayal. Speaking positive affirmations aloud can significantly impact how you feel. Likewise, they can directly impact your core beliefs.

For example, you can try stating the following positive affirmations throughout your day:

  • I am strong.
  • I am smart.
  • I am loveable.
  • I am safe.
  • I am competent.

Take a deep breath in as you repeat positive affirmations and take control of your thoughts. Remember, your spouse’s actions do not define you. Living with betrayal trauma is difficult. The good news is healing is possible.

Finding Hope and Healing After Betrayal Trauma

The road to healing from betrayal trauma can be challenging and lonely. After all, it can be difficult to come to terms with your new reality. Likewise, navigating through your emotions can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As such, having a solid support team can offer you refuge from distress. Likewise, talking to someone can help you voice your experience and identify your feelings during this difficult time.

Carey Larson, LMFT

Carey Larson, LMFT (highpointcounseling.com)

Carey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Rock Springs, Wyoming. He grew up on a small farm in Northern Utah and has a passion for helping and working with others. Carey has experience and training in helping individuals and families with relationship issues, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and addiction.

If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.

You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or apply to our subsidized therapy program.

What is Betrayal Trauma? Finding Healing, by Carey Larson
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What is Betrayal Trauma? Finding Healing

What is Betrayal Trauma? Finding Healing, by Carey Larson
apply to Our Subsidized Therapy Program

When you think of the word trauma what comes to mind? Many of us might think of something extraordinarily stressful or life-threatening. Maybe we think of something like a tragic accident, rape, or natural disaster. Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or overwhelming experience that is commonly followed by emotional and physical shock. Long-term reactions to trauma or betrayal trauma can include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms.

Defining Betrayal Trauma

So, what is Betrayal trauma? Is it a real thing? Those who have experienced it, know that it is a very real thing. Betrayal trauma is a mental injury, a psychic wound. It is most relatable to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), something that is very common among post-war veterans. Dr. Jill Manning a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) explains that “Betrayal trauma occurs when someone we depend on for survival or are significantly attached to, violates our trust in a critical way.”

Betrayal trauma is most often associated with relational infidelity, whether it is an emotional affair or sexual affair, or chronic infidelity as seen in sex addiction. Betrayal trauma can also be created by events of financial infidelity or other addictions. Secrecy and deception are regularly involved in the experience.

A young woman sitting next to window while holding her head in her hands

Identifying Symptoms

When someone experiences betrayal trauma they experience symptoms that can mirror those similar to PTSD. You may have symptoms of anxiety, hypervigilance, flashbacks of past events, nightmares, avoidance, social isolation, depression, difficulty concentrating, difficulty regulating intense emotions, feelings of shame, and obsessive thoughts and behaviors. Betrayal trauma can make you feel like you are losing your mind. Everything you thought you knew feels like it is all in question and puts you in a state of emotional free fall.

Finding Healing

If you believe you are dealing with symptoms of betrayal trauma, you are not alone. There is help available. There are many resources available and probably some near you. Finding the right support and help from an empathetic community can be very helpful in getting you the right tools to start your path of healing. Have the courage to seek help. Find a quality therapist that has training in treating relationship trauma or apply to the Overt program. Healing is possible.

Carey Larson, LMFT

Carey Larson, LMFT (highpointcounseling.com)

Carey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Rock Springs, Wyoming. He grew up on a small farm in Northern Utah and has a passion for helping and working with others. Carey has experience and training in helping individuals and families with relationship issues, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and addiction. 

If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.

You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or apply to our subsidized therapy program.

Managing Your Mental Health During a Pandemic, by Carey Larson
Carey Larson

Managing Your Mental Health during a Pandemic

Managing Your Mental Health During a Pandemic, by Carey Larson
apply to Our Subsidized Therapy Program

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the COVID-19 pandemic and struggling to maintain good mental health? If you are, you are not alone. It is natural to feel stress, anxiety, grief, and worry after any kind of uncertainty. During this unique time, it can be especially important to take care of your emotional and mental health. Taking care of your mental health will help you to think and respond appropriately to the situation and help your long-term healing.

Improve Your Mental Health During the Pandemic by Using the Three R’s

Dr. Bruce Perry, a pioneering neuroscientist in the field of trauma, developed The Three R’s: Regulate, Relate, and Reason. This was established to increase children’s ability to come to a place of calm and clarity, but I believe we can all use the 3 R’s to help us process and respond appropriately to the COVID-19 pandemic.

1. Regulate

When we are in a time of uncertainty and panic the best thing we can do is learn skills to help us calm down and ground ourselves. It can be very dis-regulating when our routine is suddenly changed, and we are encouraged or forced to change our daily schedules. Regulating is about learning how to calm ourselves and learning skills to calm our body and mind. Running to Walmart to stock up on toilet paper and panicking when we don’t find any may not be the best way to help us calm down.

One helpful way to manage your mental health during the pandemic is to self-regulate is through skills of mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing. Mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing help us to focus on where we are at in the current moment and gain the ability to react wisely to our situations. If you need help in practicing and developing skills of mindfulness and mediation there are many excellent YouTube videos and apps that can help you to practice these skills. The Calm app and Headspace app are two that I use regularly when teaching these skills.

A woman in a meditation pose stands in front of the ocean

2. Relate

After we regulate and ground ourselves the next important step to managing our mental health during the pandemic is to then relate. Relate is all about connecting with ourselves and others. It is important to identify what we are feeling and thinking. You may be feeling anxious, worried, or afraid. You may be mad or upset or fearful of what may happen. When we acknowledge and connect with how and what we are feeling it helps us become more anchored and secure. Talking and connecting with others is also helpful and essential. Even though physical (not social) distancing is important during this time we need to connect and talk with others. Reach out and talk with people you trust about your concerns and feelings. Technology allows us to continue to connect even if we may be physically apart. Connecting with others helps us to feel understood, seen, and validated.

3. Reason

Reason is taking time to problem solve and make wise decisions. It is important to take breaks and make time to unwind. Take intentional breaks and avoid too much exposure to the news. It can be upsetting to hear about the crisis repeatedly. Be intentional and create a routine.  Schedule activities that are enjoyable and that help you to feel as normal as possible. Consume information wisely and look to get proper facts and information from reliable sources. There can be lots of misinformation and new information being shared. Look at the CDC and local resources.

Lastly, seek help if needed. Look for common signs of distress; feelings of numbness, anxiety, fear, changes in your energy level, problems with concentration, sleep patterns, or feeling angrier or on edge. If the COVID-19 pandemic is impacting your mental health and you are unable to carry out normal responsibilities for several days or weeks, please consider speaking with a professional counselor. This can be a trying time for many, but by implementing these strategies I hope you find peace in the storm.

Cary Larson, LMFT

highpointcounseling.com/therapist

Carey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and has a private practice in Rock Springs, Wyoming. He grew up on a small farm in Northern Utah and has a passion for helping and working with others. Carey has experience and training in helping individuals and families with relationship issues, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, and addiction. 

If you or anyone you know is facing mental health challenges and needs support, we can help you.

You can share how you’re feeling or about your experience, or apply to our subsidized therapy program.