So this has been a long time coming. I’ve felt my story needed to be shared for years.. I was born into a very tumultuous home. My mom has boarder line personality disorder and my fade was an absent parent. We never really had stability of any kind. My mom would regularly get into horrible fights with my father over things he didn’t do, eventually those fights turned to us. My mom made us out to be like we were horrible, horrible kids. I was regularly told because of my personality my mom would die from a heart attack.. I was so confused what I was doing to the mother that I loved that was hurting her.. I was always in trouble, always being punished. My older brother regularly sexually assaulted me and my mom convinced me it was ok because my brother loved me so it wasn’t a bad touch. Confused the s*** outta me, but when dcfs asked me if I was being touched I was taught too say no. There was so much fighting in my extended family that I never really got to know them. I moved schools 9 times and I needed up with crippling anxiety but I fought hard. High school was worse l. I wasn’t great at social interactions because I never really had friends long enough to understand how to build them. I lost my first friend to ccc’s in high school. Shook my reality quite a bit. At the point of high school my mother became worse they screamed at me all the time I don’t even know if deserved it because i did lent even understand why they were yelling. It was always “ you just wanna disrespect me and you think it’s a game!!” I would just cry… it wasn’t a game I was confused why they were mad at me. I took up sports to try and avoid being home and I was particularly good at them. Also gave me confidence and I started to stand my ground.. sonar that point they would call the police and say I was causing domestic violence issues…. so I was arrested several times.. one time in particular that sticks out is when my mom was beating me with an cordless phone. I raised my arm to block it causing the phone to bounce back and hit me her. She called saying i was beating her… I was arrested with a fun pressed into the back of my head.. but I was In detention for 2 glorious weeks without them. I took up music to get away but they sold my guitar because it was their house and they didn’t approve (bought with my own money) but I bought another and kept it hidden. I was regularly told I was gonna end up in prison (I qualified to graduate a year early) they drug tested me a few times… (tried pot after I moved out and stopped there) one day my mom was screaming at me how i had embraced satan and it was fighting her good Christian home… I lost my temper and slammed the door. A few seconds later my father poured in and started hitting me….. he was half my size and I lifted every day. So I defended myself. And I feel like a horrible son hitting his father even though I had no choice. A few months later i turn 18 and move out. I form a band and we get to go on a little tour but our drummer dies driving.. the grief was too much for my guitarist so he shots himself in front of us.. I feel so lost and My girlfriends mom lets me stay there which was horrible…. she controlling and psychotic too. Pulls a knife on me and destroys one of my guitars. She lies about being sick to get more money from us. I’m drinking heavily at this time am because I’m so confused what I did wrong or what rite even is… a couple years later. I stop drinking and start to try and rebuild my broken mind. I’ve been married 6 years by now and my wife starts to fall apart so I work two jobs with amazing insurance to give her every tool she needs to rebuild… I failed and she tried to kill herself but I come ima few minutes later and I use a airway to open her lungs (I was an met) she took 700 pills but thanks to my design making she survives…. that was last February… I’m so lost, I’m so alone. I just wanted the ones I love to be happy and healthy and all I find is carnage and crushed hopes…I could tell more stories for hours… I’m fighting every day to become the man I know I deserve to be. The man I am was strong enough to survive it all and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let me fail.. I’m in the middle of divorce, bankruptcy and a job that’s terrible. But I just wanna see hope for tomorrow. I can be a great man and I will be…not my full story but it’s long enough thanks for reading it. Stay strong and believe in yourself.