Okay so i’ve read, reread, and thought i need to make this shorter. But its the intro the backstory of why i’m here. I want you to get a feel of what this is going to be about, so suck it up, read for 5-10 minutes get over it!
I promise after this first post that i have crammed everything that i think you need to know. Its like the first Lord of the rings movie, super long but super necessary. So hey buckle up, and i hope you come back every Sunday to see if i am weeping in self pity, or im’ still trucking… who knows?
Where to begin? hmmmm, i’ve been pondering this for quite a while. How do i start it? What do i write? Will i get laughed at? Why didn’t I start it a long time ago? Is it to late to start? Does anyone care? Will i stick to it?
“SHUT UP, AND JUST DO IT!” I say to myself, as i take my seriously dopey dog for a walk. I’m social distancing from every other walker- because oh yeah, the world is locked down and we all have to socially distance to stop the spread of corona virus. Business’ are shut down for the time being, the world is still and quiet. People are weirdly hoarding toilet roll and pasta. Most of all tho people are indoors, relaxing, hating-loving each other, doing online quizzes, making tik-tok videos, doing PE with Joe Wicks every morning. Most are working from home; while staying indoors.
Not me tho! I work in benefits for the government (through an agency tho, i’m not that secure jeeeez, otherwise i don’t think i would need to write this) i’m weirdly working more than ever. I have just started my own online health and fitness page. Randomly out of during this pandemic- my life has started.
Its started to-to take a bit of a-a-a- dare i say it? EEEK.. turn for the better? Ouuuuch! Even typing that feels like i’m putting a scud, jinx, curse or whatever you want to call it.
So Ive pondered for a while and thought i should start a blog about trying to get my life together- while i try and get my life together. To see if from now; can i grow up and have a good happy life because it has not been for a while! well the past few weeks have been ok.. but before that… not so much.
A little bit of what is this- okay so what is this about and why am writing about it? Well I have wasted the last ten years of my life, and i mean wassssssted. At age 15 i failed to clear something up medically, As we learnt about cancers in school and how preventable testicular cancer was, how important it was to get it seen to quickly to increase chances of survival!
I must have had my ears closed and was giggling at balls and willys on the whiteboard- because one night in the same time frame i went to the toilet and boom there it was staring back at me. A stupid little lump on my nuts, my left nut to be precise. I remember this overwhelming heat come over me and a serious urge to hug my granda (he’s my safe guy) (big ups Ricardo).
The irony of thinking i had ball cancer but not having the balls to go to the doctors about it.. i know!
Well this discovery set me on a path of skin crawling anxiety, deep dark depression and a real oscar worthy performance of hiding it from everyone and i meannnnn everyone. I lived with this dirty little secret lump for 8-9 years. I had no motivation to progress my life because i was convinced i was going to die, literally die, like dead-dead lights out. I know your screaming whyyyyyyyy not just go get it checked then, what is there to loose?
I remember i was going to get it checked out, i was saying to myself “after this holiday” i will go to the doctors and get this sorted- then i said it a few months later.. and then another few months later.. annnnnnnd another few months later, another holiday, okay maybe the next holiday… you get the point. I would always find the next milestone (excuse) to stop me going to the doctors.
Every night i would say to myself “well that was fun! Unfortunately i probabbbbly won’t be here tomorrow”.
So this set me off on the downward spiral; dropping out of school, not working for exams, drinking, smoking, drugs… everything. I never went fully off the rails publicly, i looked like every other person my age who just does not really know what to do with there life- but in my head i was having a horrid time -knowing that i would never be able to have a life, chase my dreams. have my own family.. this was all because i had not the balls to go to the doctors and clear something up. I let my mind become my worst enemy.
I have always had dreams and aspirations to be as great as i possibly can. As a child it was growing up and playing football at the top level. Bringing my country to world cup glory, being the young football star covered in money and fame. Then I began fighting MMA, and i was ready to get to the top level, but for the fear of medical examinations flagging up my wonky ball stopped me going further (I am gonna go further tho).
No matter what i did in life i could always imagine becoming absolutely great at it and to be honest I still do, I’ve got the dreamers disease. I go to make a sandwich and in my head i’m on Gordon Ramsey level. Just crossing the road i imagine me like the beetles. However the severity of how scared and s****y i was, stopped me ever being able to actually stop, plan, commit and hustle to anything i wanted to achieve.
I could never to commit to staying in relationships, I would get a while into them and start to freak out, because i was to scared of the poor partner waking up next to a cold body in the morning. Wow that is such a more grim thought when i actually type it out. But that all changed, I finally met a girl and this one changed everything. I wanted to live, i wanted to breath, I wanted out of the fear of not being able to plan for the next week, month, year.. heck even day.
I remember sitting on holiday loving my life, sunrises, sunsets, sand sea… se- heyyyy get out of here you perv!
Everything was so perfect- But the fear again would always be lurking over me like a cunty grim reaper smiling in the shadows. The last night of the holiday i actually took a full panic attack while we were out for dinner, this was because life seemed so perfect, to good to be true.. because it was because i knew i was a ticking time bomb, ready to drop at any second. After that holiday i finally started to muster up the courage to get ready to go to the doctors and start my big fight once and for all and hopefully start a life after!
The next few weeks i started listening to all the motivational stuff, and then boom one hit me like one of his left hooks. Tyson Fury on the Joe Rogan podcast. Like how he explained that God spoke to him, in that car ready to go off a bridge. Well Tysons’ words spoke to me. His battle with everything resonated with me. I was walking my dog just like i was tonight and BAMMMMM! I decided this is it. Time to grab myself by the funky left ball and get this sorted once and for all.
I gave myself a week, have a bit of fun and good times with everyone. But after these few fun days- I tell someone about it and that way i have to go and sort this out.
Long story short. I got laughed out of the doctors room, pull your trousers up and stop crying you little b****- he obviously didn’t say that but he did laugh me out of the room and sent me on. I Didn’t have cancer. I had a cyst, yiep ten years of tears and i had a cyst. Non Cancerous, Carl you stupid f***.
So was this it? Surely now its time to get your life together!? AGAIN, NO. For the past year i wasted more time of my life complaining that its the reason i’m in such a s****y position. Weh Weh Weh, crying about how i was now ten years behind everyone. I shy’ed away from the challenge, I curled up in a ball instead of facing the new task.
I drank, smoked lived like i was 16 with no efforts to make something of myself. I accepted i was just another Joe Blogs walking the earth and slowly but surely lost the spark that i had about myself. I lost that relationship through continuing to live in a rut, being destructive with drinking and las drogas. And that led to probably the worst time in my life yet. A deep, dark depression like never before.. which i will come back to..
But i have been talking to much for a first blog.
So what now? Now i’ve invited you (whoever you are, I actually am typing to myself so you is me- You-ception, what the f*** am i talking about)
Well now i feel like i’ve finally got a grip on how to start changing my life. I might not, i might just.. But i want to document it from now on because i think i lost some great writing that could have helped other. I wish i could have mustered up the courage to type up during my worst days. But i didn’t so I want to look at how I go through life from now, in the hope that somehow I can come back to reading this one day and say “You f****** done it son, you actually managed to turn your life round and thats right where it started”
I want this to become a blueprint for someone else to start gripping the life they’ve been given.
So come on, subscribe, come read with me every Sunday. I promise my writing will get better. I promise this will be authentic, i promise i won’t bulls*** you.
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