Had a bit of a rough childhood, verbal and physical violence both between my parents and towards me and my younger brothers was common.
Fast forward to 10 years old and I was starting to assume a pseudo parent role for my 2 younger brothers, as mum and dad had separated and gone off the rails (mum was relieved of custody as she abducted us to 1000s of kms away when they broke up, then turned to cheap wine, dad was working until late and coming back a little drunk and usually angry). I started to become a problem child at school, lying, stealing, bullying others, all at age 10-16. It was suggested I might have ADD or ADHD, but it was never followed up.
Fast forward to 18 years old and I decided against my better judgement to live with my mum and her husband for my first year of university, as they were close to where I was studying. The husband was also abusive, preferring verbal abuse but threatening serious injury or death. due to me already being haunted by bad memories, I snapped one day when he threatened me and I pulled a knife. Police were called, I moved put in less than an hour with police making sure it didn’t go bad again, no one was injured but I was deeply affected for months, not showing it as I didn’t have anyone I thought I could talk to about it.
Last year I started developing what I later found might be symptoms of depression (intrusive thoughts, bursts of negative emotions that stopped me being able to do much, occasional suicidal thoughts, etc.). I tried to block it out, force myself out of those thoughts, drink it away. Suffice to say it was temporary, none of it worked for long. At this point mum was arguing with me all the time a lot for trying not to choose a side between her and my dad, and dad had developed cancer. I was told that I would be dealing with dads will when he dies and that he probably has a decade left, optimistically.
Now to this year, I found out what these things could mean, and thanks to Google and a couple of close and concerned friends who could see through my mask, I reached out to a counselor. I haven’t managed to get very far (struggling to open up, corona means I have to do the sessions over the phone), but I’m trying, and I’m making an effort to deal with it properly this time.