Over several months, my therapist had been working on confidence with me, and getting rid of the “toxic confidence” because yes, being over confident can be dangerous to yourself, and others. She started out with, “tell yourself you’re better than somebody. Any name, doesn’t matter.” Several months ago I had said that I didn’t need to tell myself I was, because I knew it. Very toxic mindset. Today, she asked me the same question. She asked me how it felt to say I was better, and today I replied with “toxic, demeaning, and an unfair comparison.” Months ago, I told her it felt empowering, freeing, like I struck fear and commanded attention, that nobody could cross me with this mindset. She nodded in agreement to my admittance that it was a toxic way of being. She then asked me to pick out a quality in myself that I thought appeared more attractive than on a person I could picture and name. Months ago, I could. I did. I said my rosie pink cheeks, with perfectly speckled freckles, my long hair, thin hourglass body, and my perfectly straight teeth and tan skin look better on me than (insert anonymous name, for privacy reasons) Today? I couldn’t. She asked me why I couldn’t pick out a person I was in competition with, or something so obvious as my eyebrows, my makeup, my winged eyeliner, my body, my long hair and straight teeth, and I said the same thing as I did with the first question. It is toxic, it is demeaning, and it’s an unfair comparison because there should not be a comparison or competition. This is when it finally clicked. She broke the mindset of I’m perfect, you’re a peasant. We are all flawed. I have gained a few pounds, I now have braces, and I do not feel like it is fair now, or never at all to say that I am or was better than another. I had to learn the painful way that it isn’t until we lose control over our “perfect appearance” that we feel shame in ourselves for what we look like to others. After years of self deprecating insults toward myself, toward others mentally, constantly comparing myself to other people and wanting to look like, sound like, and dress like other men and women or wanting them to look at me like I was a god they couldn’t match, she finally released the training harness on me and let me roam freely with my mind, with questions that she knew I couldn’t answer kindly 6 months ago. I cannot lie and say that I often times did feel as though I was better than a lot of people, by my vocal talent, my writing, my drawing, the way I dressed, and how perfectly I did my eyebrows and hair every morning. I’d often times let my false perception of perfection get to my head, without thinking of the damage it could be doing to others and how I treat them when I tell myself that I am superior. I am not, I have never been.
She finished our session with this homework. When you feel “toxic confidence” returning, tell yourself in private to say something about you that makes another person look inferior, and imagine that person knowing how you feel and picture them devastated by it. Now swap roles and picture you in their shoes. Realize how damaging your attitude may be. Alter it.
Then proceeded to end with this quote: Toxic is “I’m better than them.” Confidence is “I’m great, and so are they.” It sounds prettier, because it IS prettier to uplift and empower those around you to feel as good about themselves, as you do inside when you think you’re “better.” You’re not better, simply alike in greatness with others.