Mental health got the better of me for about 4 months last year, I was at the lowest place I thought I’d ever see myself, I didnt care about anything I just wanted to die. I always suffered from anxiety and depressed thoughts but I could control my mind, but recently I couldnt, I started self harming, planning how I could die, writing suicidal notes, quit my job, drinking from the minute I woke up till I passed out, because at this stage it was the only thing getting me through each day, taken the pain away, feeling I could be myself, give me a bit of a “buzz” but one bottle of vodka wasnt enough to help the pain, started doing drugs, started praying alot, going to the chruch, begging for answers I couldnt do it alone, apologising to god for all my sins, I’m human I’m not perfect, but nothing it still wasnt helping.
I felt like this was my life, I’m going to turn into an alcoholic, no goals, no motivation, lost contact with the majority of people I used to talk to simply because I felt helpless, nobody would understand why I was this way I couldnt understand myself. I hated myself my mind had gone to a bad place. No need for me being here, I couldnt cope
One day I decided to plan on how I’m going to end it all that night. I was in a graveyard, balling my eyes out, shaking, feeling sick, absolutely broken. Just wondering WHY. I was sitting there and a Robin came so close to me for a few minutes, was just hovering around the area I was. I walked back to a friends apartment and went straight into their room, lied there in the dark, crying, listening to music, while my eyes were closed I felt these white feather hovering above me, i felt I could touch them but I couldnt, i seen my nannys face who i was very close to but she suddenly died in 2017. I honestly thought i was losing my mind, nothing could get worse.
I decided to get help, I didnt want to be like that, surely there was a professional that’s trained to guide me, i went to a doctor, where I was diagnosed with BPD, having that, anxiety and depression was not easy. I didnt know who I was. she referred me to a mental health nurse, I felt stupid, at first I was like fine whatever I’ll go, I had no motivation to better myself, I started going, stopped drinking so much, I started to do things for myself, telling myself I am worth something, I can succeed, I was giving tablets, started off with 50mg and then 100mg but honestly I didnt want to relying on drugs to better myself. So I fought with myself.
I did go through alot, alot for me, might not be alot for anyone else, alot of close relations to me either died or got sick, broke up with my boyfriend who I thought I’d see the rest of my life with, it was a very toxic relationship but I couldnt see that. Every day was a battle.
I’m still here. If this part of my story can help anyone I’d be so glad. What I’ve realised after struggling them last 4 months is to better yourself because nobody else will, I didnt take my meds because I wanted to prove to myself that I am STRONG. Talking to a friend, writing down thoughts, get them off your chest and out of your mind, nobody will judge you, dont be negative, everyone turned their back on me where I was at my lowest because I was negative thinking things wouldnt get better
But here I am now. I’m still alive. I’m happy. Appreciate everything. You are you’re only medication, live for today and be thankful for what you have, give yourself goals and TRY your best to reach them life is to short to live in regret because one day it will be over.
For anyone reading this, who’s suffering from mental health issues, you are loved, you are worth something, be positive, you can be the best. I’m only 20 and I wanted to die. I still am 20 and i want to be better then who i was, not everyday is easy but i appreciate been able to think for myself and breath without a pain in my chest.
Live for today🙏